


All is unfair in love and war

by aimée (annebenedicte)



Series: Cruel to be Kind [3]
Category: Holby City
Genre: BDSM, F/F, Light Dom/sub, Past Rape/Non-con, Spanking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-29
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2019-05-15 16:33:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14794056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annebenedicte/pseuds/aim%C3%A9e
Summary: When jealousy rears its ugly head, things can get ...





	1. Chapter 1

When Bernie came in their shared office, she found Serena on the phone, looking more animated than she had in a long time. She was glad for her – since Elinor’s death and her sabbatical, Serena had had good days and bad days – mostly good, but the last month had been very busy, and stress had taken its toll on Serena’s mood. Bernie could help with the surgeries, but paperwork wasn’t her forte. The new CEO also had a heavy patients schedule, since the cardio department was short-staffed, and she relied on Serena to help with admin. At first Serena had been glad to be kept busy, but now she moaned that she was overwhelmed.   
“Good news?”  
Serena looked at Bernie interrogatively.   
“The phone call – seems to have put a smile on your face.”  
Serena answered distractedly: “Oh, that? No, nothing special. By the way …I saw on the schedule you had an elective at 5.00 pm?   
\- Yes – but it shouldn’t last long; he’s an old patient of mine, and he begged me to do his hernia operation. I told him it wasn’t exactly my specialty, but he insisted and …well, he’s 82, and …I didn’t have the heart to tell him no.  
\- You big softie...All right – I’ll wait for you for dinner then.”   
They didn’t have time for more, as one of the nurses came to fetch Bernie for a new arrival. Bernie dropped a quick peck on Serena’s cheek and followed the nurse out of the office.   
Several hours later, Bernie was announcing “Time of death : 8.25.” in a broken voice. She scrubbed off silently besides Dom, who looked at her sympathetically. He knew how much Ms Wolfe hated to lose a patient. She had battled for more than three hours, but her patient’s heart had arrested twice during the hernia operation, and although they’d managed to get him back the first time, the second arrest had been fatal.   
Dom said tentatively : “It wasn’t your fault, Bernie – you did everything you could …but …he was 82, after all.  
\- So what? He was 82, so he deserved to die? It makes it all right? You should know by now I can’t stand that kind of reasoning!  
\- Sorry – I was just trying to …”  
Bernie sighed: “No, I’m sorry – I shouldn’t have bitten your head off – it’s all my fault anyway – I should have told him to see a specialist – maybe he would still be alive. Or maybe I could have …I don’t know, maybe I was too slow, or …  
\- Come on! You can’t blame yourself – you did a good job – tell you what – I think we need a drink.  
\- I don’t know, Dom. Serena will be waiting, and …  
\- Serena would understand – just send her a text.   
\- Oh …ok, then.”  
“Going for a drink with Dom – Join us ? Bernie xx”  
When Serena saw the text, she heaved a sigh of relief – she’d been looking for an excuse, but it seemed that now she had a chance to be home before Bernie after all. She texted back: “Thanks but catching up on work – see you later S xx.”   
Bernie and Dom headed for Albies’, but the bar was crowded and someone was apparently having a party in there, with music and balloons. Bernie shook her head – she wasn’t in the mood, not after losing a patient. She wanted quiet and alcohol.   
“Let’s go to the Snooty Fox – we can drink, and we can even have a bite to eat.”   
Bernie agreed, and they walked the half-mile to the pub. The Snooty Fox was traditional, full of dark nooks and crannies, and only about half-full on a Thursday night. They bought their drinks and went to sit down. Bernie wanted to go over the procedure, and Dom indulged her, knowing that it was her way of coping. When she got up to go to the loo, she thought she heard Serena’s voice, but she laughed at herself – talk about taking our desires for reality! Serena was probably home by now, waiting for her. It wasn’t until she came out of the loo that she saw them. Serena and a handsome older grey-haired man were sitting in a corner of the room. The man was talking, and Serena was listening. Bernie was too far to hear what he was saying, but she was so taken aback that she just stood there, watching them. Then Serena laughed and the sound tugged at Bernie’s heart. It was still so hard to make Serena laugh – since Elinor’s death, they had shared moments of happiness, but even then sorrow was never far off. Bernie leant against the wall, suddenly overwhelmed by sadness – what could this stranger be saying to Serena? Why wasn’t she able to make her laugh? She couldn’t stop watching them, even though she knew a normal person would just go over and introduced herself. Serena laughed several more time, and then, under Bernie’s incredulous eyes, she leant over the table and kissed her dinner companion. Not on the lips, but close enough.  
Bernie blinked, but it wasn’t a nightmare – Serena and the older man were hugging. Serena, who was supposed to be “catching up on work”. Something in Bernie snapped – she walked to Serena’s table, and before the latter could say anything Bernie slapped her, leaving a red mark on Serena’s cheek. Ice-cold with anger, Bernie snarled: “So this is “work”? How much does he pay you for an evening in your company then? Do you take an hourly rate? Is the hotel room included?”  
Serena gasped, . gingerly touched her cheek and turned horrified eyes towards Bernie.  
Her dinner companion half-stood up, putting his hand on Serena’s arm: “Serena, love, are you all right? Do you know this…this woman?”  
Serena sighed: “ Yes …Yes, I do. Alexander, this is Ms Berenice Wolfe – Bernie, this is ...  
\- I don’t care who he is! He looks like he is going to need Viagra though … And I don’t want to hear any more – you’re obviously very cosy together, so I’ll leave you to it! I hope you enjoy his dick – obviously what I had to offer wasn’t good enough for you. You can go fuck yourself, or fuck him, or the whole world, you …you fucking tart!  
\- Bernie! How dare you!”  
Bernie stalked away and left the pub without a backward glance. Dominic had witnessed the whole scene – so had all the customers, in fact – and he jumped up to follow her, but she shrugged him off.   
“Bernie – calm down! I’m sure Serena has a good reason to be here.  
\- Shut up, Dominic – and mind your own business, for a change.”  
He followed her to the hospital car park, where she’d left her coupe. When he saw her fumbling for her car keys, he tried again to make her see sense: “Come on – you know you can’t drive yourself home – not after what you’ve drunk ! Let me call you a cab!  
\- I told you to leave me alone, Dr Copeland!”   
She finally fished out her keys and settled behind the wheel. She had enough sense to remember her seat belt, but she hadn’t planned on being stopped by a patrol car doing a random check.


	2. Chapter 2

“Step out of the vehicle, please, Ma’am.”  
Bernie had no choice – she obeyed and wrapped her arms around herself to block the cold. She thought she was under the limit, but she wasn’t sure – when she handed over her driving licence and insurance certificate, her hand shook slightly. She hoped the police officers would think it was the cold.   
The policeman checked her insurance, and the young policewoman looked at her suspiciously: “I’m going to ask you to take a breath test, Ma’am.  
\- For God’s sake! I’m a doctor, I’m perfectly aware of what I can drink before driving, thank you – and I can assure you I’m perfectly sober.  
\- Very well – in that case you won’t object to the test, then. We need to be sure.   
\- Go on then.”  
As Bernie blew into the breath analyser, she thought about all the times she’d warned Cameron, Charlotte – and Serena – about drinking and driving. If she was convicted, they would have a field day …Quite apart from the fact that she could lose her job …  
The policewoman frowned and took the test to her colleague – they conferred in low voices for a few minutes and came back to her: “The test shows you’re just over the limit, Ma’am – we’re going to ask you to park your vehicle safely and to come with us for another test at the station.  
\- You must be joking!   
\- Never when on duty, Ma’am – and when I say “ask”, I mean – until we have the results of the second test, you’re under arrest.”  
Bernie closed her eyes and for a moment the world spun around – she hadn’t thought the day could get any worse, but …   
Half an hour later, she found herself on a bench at the police station, with other people in various degrees of inebriety. If she hadn’t been before, she now felt stone-cold sober, and her mind kept replaying the scene at the pub, over and over again. How could Serena do that to her? After all they’d been through together. This was exactly why she usually avoided relationships, why she’d been afraid to commit to Serena, why she didn’t let people get close to her. Because when they did, someone always ended getting hurt. After Alex had left, she’d thought she would never be able to love again. She’d almost wished she’d died in the IED accident. With Serena …Somehow she’d let herself hope that it would be all right – that if she wasn’t the one messing things up they could make a go of it. Apparently she’d been wrong.   
“Ms Berenice Wolfe?”  
She lifted her head to look at the policeman calling her.   
“Follow me please.”  
She got up and realised she was shaking slightly. The small bag of crisps she’d shared with Dom hadn’t been enough to stave off the migraine she always got when drinking on an empty stomach – her head was pounding and she felt slightly nauseous.   
When she walked out of the station, calling a cab to get back to her car, she felt too dispirited to rejoice at the idea that she’d escaped a fine and a driving ban. The test at the station had belied the roadside test – she was near the limit, but just under it, so they’d let her go – not without a verbal warning, though, which had made her seethe.   
When she arrived home, Serena’s things were in the lounge, and the bedroom door was closed. Part of Bernie wanted to slam into the bedroom and confront Serena, and part just wanted to have another drink and forget all about it for the night. She did neither, and headed for the bathroom, where she had a long hot shower. After that, she grabbed a quilt and made herself as comfortable as possible in the spare room. She fell asleep for a few hours, but woke up with the dawn and her mind immediately went back to the night before. She couldn’t remember all the details, but images flashed into her mind – Serena’s horrified face, herself slapping her…She bit her lip – how could she have behaved like that? Striking someone …in public …she was a consultant surgeon, for God’s sake – and an army officer. She blushed – if she had still been serving, she would have been harshly disciplined for that. And the words she’d used …well, she couldn’t remember everything she’d said, but …


	3. Chapter 3

When Bernie finally found the courage to get out of bed, the house was empty. She glanced at the clock and saw that she would make the morning meeting with only a few seconds to spare. Not that it would be fascinating, but Serena liked everyone to be there, especially her co-lead – she usually said they had to rule by example …Of course, if one of them worked the night shift and missed the meeting, the other would brief the absentee afterwards, but somehow Bernie didn’t feel Serena would be very understanding that morning. After a quick shower and two migraine pills, she got dressed – black shirt, black jeans, it was the easiest outfit when she was in a hurry – and rushed to her car. She hit the full flow of traffic and swore under her breath – there was no way she would be on time.   
When she skulked discreetly into the ward , she didn’t join Serena as she usually did but remained against the wall, trying to remain as inconspicuous as possible. When she met Serena’s glance, however, the deep brown eyes that bored into her were so dark and ominous that she quickly lowered her eyes. Therefore, she didn’t notice the man sitting beside Serena until he stood up. Serena was talking and Bernie tried to focus on her words despite her raging migraine: “Finally, I’d like to introduce Mr Alexander Masterson – or do you go by Lord Brockingstock now, Alexander ?”  
The man smiled as he nodded his denial and Bernie stared at him aghast. Serena went on: “Mr Masterson was my mentor during my specialisation degree and he was kind enough to endure me for five years as registrar in his vascular surgery department. Since then, he’s become a dear friend and as he expressed curiosity about our new trauma bay, I invited him to observe for a day or two. Would you like to say something, Alexander?   
\- Thank you, Serena. As Ms Campbell told you, I’m interested in how you deal with trauma here at Holby. My son …” His face darkened. “When I saw Serena last night, I told her my only son died three months ago in a motorbike accident …I would like to contribute financially to the trauma bay in his memory, and I’d like to thank Ms Campbell for allowing me to observe in her department.”  
Bernie must have gone through all the colours of the rainbow, from fire-engine red to green and finally ashen. If she could have melted into the wall she would have. Dom noticed her pallor and felt for her – he had not heard what she’d said in the pub, but he’d recognised Serena’s companion too and he could imagine Bernie’s embarrassment. He would have tried to talk to her but she disappeared the second the meeting was over.   
She managed to avoid Serena and her guest until the middle of the afternoon, when they suddenly appeared behind the theatre window as she was performing a tricky liver ablation on an RTC victim. She was so taken aback that she dropped not one but two instruments, something which never happened to her. She bit her lips so hard behind her surgical mask that she tasted blood – it wasn’t enough that she’d insulted the man, now he would think she was totally incompetent, and Serena was probably not in the mood to disabuse him.   
When Bernie got out of the theatre, they were both gone. She still wasn’t ready to face Serena, but she really had to go into their office to write her day’s reports. Even though she and God were not on particularly intimate terms, she sent a silent prayer that Serena would be elsewhere. He probably wasn’t listening, because Serena was typing on her computer. Bernie tried to smile, but Serena ignored her completely and left the office almost immediately.   
When Bernie got home that night, the house was in darkness – at first relieved that Serena wasn’t in, she began to feel a growing apprehension as it became obvious that Serena had decided to spend the night elsewhere. They usually managed to settle their differences on the same day. If Serena wasn’t coming home, it meant that she was too angry to deal with her – and that idea was terrifying. And it meant Bernie would have to face her the next day …not knowing, unforgiven.   
The next day, Bernie’s stomach was in knots as she got into the elevator with two cups of coffee in hand. Once again Serena ignored her as she deposed one of the cups on Serena’s desk. Bernie tried to speak but Serena looked at her with so much scorn in her eyes that she dropped her glance and fell silent.   
“Not now, Ms Wolfe – I’m rather busy.”   
“Tonight?” murmured Bernie.   
Serena didn’t dignify that with an answer and Bernie blinked back her tears before leaving the office – she couldn’t cry in front of her colleagues or the patients.


	4. Chapter 4

That night, the lights were on in their house and Bernie felt almost nauseous with apprehension. She still couldn’t remember what she’d said to Serena two nights before, and she had no idea how to apologise. She knew that just saying sorry wouldn’t cut it. Would Serena ever forgive her, or was she going to throw her out? It was Serena’s house after all. Bernie joined Serena in the lounge and they both remained silent for a while. Then Serena began: “So now you have nothing to say? Seems like you had plenty of ideas last night…” Bernie flinched and murmured: “I’m …I’m so sorry…I…”  
\- Oh …you’re sorry, are you? Sorry that you called me a whore? That you implied I was a sex maniac ? Sorry you slapped me? In a public place ? In the presence of a man I respect, admire and consider as almost a father? Sorry that you insulted him as well?”  
Each of Serena’s word lashed into her and left a burning scar. She couldn’t believe she’d said that…done that.  
“I must say the army has certainly given you a way with words, Berenice. Quite a refined vernacular …I suppose I should be glad you weren’t armed – or you might have shot me…or challenged Mr Masterson to a duel…  
\- I am so sorry – but surely you can understand …  
\- That’s the thing, Ms Wolfe – I can’t – I thought we trusted each other – I thought I was in a committed, adult relationship, but obviously I was mistaken.”  
Bernie buried her face in her hands. When she’d come back from Ukraine and Serena had taken her back, she’d thought she would at last get a chance of a real relationship. They had built their new life on mutual respect, trust and love, and they had chosen their own rules. But Bernie couldn’t forget her past, and she’d never had much self-confidence in the first place – even now at her age, the imprints of childhood were still very much interfering in her life.   
She gulped and sank down on her knees in front of Serena, resting her head on her partner’s lap. Serena stiffened and Bernie lifted her eyes, pleading: “Of course we are – I don’t want us to fall apart – please forgive me.  
\- I just don’t know if I can.”  
Serena’s defences were beginning to crumble, but the humiliation of the past days hardened her resolve. Explaining to her mentor that the mad woman at the pub was in fact her partner both in life and in the trauma unit had been excruciating – so had been his look of pity. If she yielded now, it could happen again. If she gave Bernie what she wanted, what she was waiting for, it would bring atonement and forgiveness, and Serena wasn’t sure she was ready for that. At least she’d had time to calm down – she had promised herself never to inflict pain in anger – that was why she’d stayed at a hotel the previous night. The truth was that seeing Bernie on her knees almost broke her heart, but if she didn’t really nip this into the bud, what chance had they for the future? She knew Bernie was jealous, and she also knew why. If she was honest with herself, it was why she hadn’t told her partner about Alexander taking her to dinner. But she didn’t want to spend her whole life lying or not seeing people. So whatever she did today had to leave a mark on Bernie – the stigma of love. She had to make her believe in herself, make her believe she was worthy of love – in their own way.   
Waiting was the worse – the uncertainty. The begging, the pleading she could take – it was all part of the atonement, of the healing. But without orders to follow, Bernie was lost. She lowered her eyes, unable to take Serena’s stony glare anymore. Her shoulders slumped and she bowed her head. Then, seeing that Serena wasn’t going to speak, she got up slowly and went to the bedroom. She came back and offered Serena the two implements she had in her hands. When Serena didn’t make a move to take them, she laid them on the sofa and slowly began to undress. Then she sank down on her knees again. If Serena didn’t give her the release she craved, she feared her self would dissolve there, on the spot. Because it would mean it was all over – desire would have disappeared, expectations would have vanished and she would have no more reason to live. Finally, Serena’s hand hovered over the implements, and as Bernie’s body began to react in anticipation, it also began to tremble in fear. She didn’t fear pain, she feared it wouldn’t be enough.   
“Please, Serena, please…  
\- You know the rules, Berenice – you have to ask   
\- Please, Ma’am, will you punish me?”  
The words were said so low that Serena almost made Bernie repeat her, but she knew how much the simple sentence cost the proud woman at her feet. The first time, it had been a simple game, but afterwards they’d found the courage to talk about it, they’d understood how much it meant to each of them. Serena’s eyes went from one implement to the other, and Bernie’s eyes followed apprehensively – she had chosen the two she hated the most, but one of these would break her more surely than the other.   
Serena hesitated. She was still not sure she could wield any of the two in punishment and in love, not in anger. Her body had forgiven Bernie, her heart rate quickened, all her senses were aroused. It would probably be all right. She took the belt in her hand and heard Bernie’s sharp intake of breath. Outwardly still impassive, she softened and put it back on the sofa, taking the leather paddle instead.


	5. Chapter 5

“Bend over and assume the position, Berenice”  
Bernie got up slowly, feeling Serena’s eyes on her body – a body she’d taken a long time to accept and which at fifty she was at last coming to terms with. Mostly because even if she didn’t believe it, others had told her it was beautiful. Slowly she bent and touched her toes with her fingers, parting her legs a little so she could resist the impact of the blows. The paddle began to fall, fast and furious and then more slowly, almost mechanically.  
“Stand up, Berenice.”   
When she heard Serena’s order, Bernie was confused – surely it wasn’t over?   
“Look at me and tell me how you’re feeling.”   
Bernie’s hands automatically went to rub the sting of the paddle, but a sharp slap on her thigh made her reconsider. Serena sighed: “You know that’s not allowed. Stand to attention, Major.”  
Bernie immediately straightened her back and assumed the familiar position.  
“Now tell me.  
\- I’m …I’m sorry  
\- That is not what I’m asking. Does it hurt?  
\- No, Ma’am.”  
Another sharp slap on the other thigh made her bit her lips.  
“Really? Well, that’s good, because I’m not finished with you yet. Go and lie down on the bed.”  
Surely it was over? Surely Serena didn’t intend to …better obey, though. When she felt Serena’s fingers on her panties, she turned her head to look at her partner – she was holding the belt. And although she’d been the one to bring in in the first place, she suddenly felt as if she wouldn’t be able to take it. It was the most painful and the most humiliating implement, somehow – they’d used it only once before, and it had brought back such terrible memories that she had flailed and cried in her sleep afterwards, and Serena had told her she would never use it again. Obviously Serena remembered, because she crouched near the bed and murmured: “Is that ok, darling?” Bernie swallowed audibly and nodded.   
“I need a verbal answer, Berenice.  
\- Yes, please, Ma’am – it’s okay.  
\- Very well - I’ll give you twelve, and you will count them aloud.”   
The belt lashed into her bottom, and Bernie answered obediently: “One, thank you, Ma’am.” She welcomed the counting aloud – it kept her from going back in her mind to that terrible, terrible day.   
Eleven times more the belt rose and fell – by the third lash her eyes were wet, by the fifth she was sobbing, and by the last one her words mixed with tears and release were unintelligible. Serena flung the belt in a drawer and sank to her knees near the bed, stroking Bernie’s hair and wiping her eyes with her fingers: “Shssh – it’s okay – it’s okay – you’re all right.” Bernie had curled up in a ball, and Serena was afraid she’d retreated to that place – to the place no one could reach her. Slowly she kissed her hair and her forehead and caressed her cheek, letting her fingers trace Bernie’s jaw, her neck, her shoulders. Serena joined her on the bed and went on stroking and caressing until she felt Bernie’s shell crumbled, until her partner’s tense muscles relaxed, until at last she was ready for release. They made love very tenderly and fell asleep in each other’s arms.   
“No – no, I won’t – you can’t make me – I won’t …”   
Serena woke up brutally, startled by Bernie’s cries. She saw her partner had once again curled up in a tight ball, and that she was sweating and shaking violently. Serena tried to take her into her arms but Bernie pushed her away. Uncertain about what to do, Serena finally settled on stroking Bernie’s back and murmuring “It’s okay – it’s okay – don’t worry, you’re safe …I’m here…” When Bernie stopped shaking, Serena got up and went to fetch a damp cloth with which she wiped Bernie’s brow. They must have fallen back asleep eventually because when the alarm rang, both of them started.   
When Serena saw how carefully her partner sat down at the dining table, she winced. They had to talk. She phoned the hospital and told Donna they would both be an hour late. Then she came back to the table and faced Bernie who was staring at her coffee cup as if her life depended on it.   
“Bernie…”  
“Serena…”   
Both of them had spoken at the same time, and now both of them fell silent. Serena reached out and put her hand on Bernie’s. Her partner looked up and plunged her big hazel eyes in Serena’s. Serena saw with dismay that the other woman’s eyes were full of anguish.   
“Bernie…I’m sorry – I never should have …I knew you didn’t really want to…”  
Bernie swallowed audibly, took a deep breath and interrupted her: “Serena – it’s okay; it’s not your fault. How I reacted the other night – I know it was unforgivable. I am really, really sorry…  
\- I know, darling, I know – shush …I forgive you.  
\- Let me finish – last night …After …It wasn’t your fault – I don’t want you to think…”  
Bernie lowered her eyes and took another deep breath, as if she was struggling to get enough air in: “I’ve never told you that before – I should have. It was during my first tour in Afghan. One day my team and I were called to an outpost to treat several victims of an IED – civilians and some of our men. We…we were treating them when a group of rebels burst in and …” Another deep breath. “They …they killed the other medics but not us – I mean, not me or the other female medic…They …they raped her – there, in front of me and the wounded – they took turns and …” Bernie was ashen and her voice had dwindled to a murmur: “I …they …they made me watch – one of them spoke English and he said “watch, it will be you next.” – he knew I was her superior, he knew I was supposed to protect her and that it would hurt me to be powerless to help her. When …when they’d finished, they tied her up, and they tried to undress me …I fought but …I managed to scratch one of them on the face, to bite another’s hand , and …then there was another man – he hadn’t participated in Corporal Jones’ rape ; he came to stand in front of me and while two of his men restrained me, he slit my uniform open. And then… I thought …I thought he would be the one to …But he unbuckled his belt – he had a big heavy dark leather belt, and …The men pushed me to the ground, naked, at his feet and he beat me …I don’t know for how long, because I fainted from the pain. When I came to, I was lying in the dust, still naked, still alive …I discovered later I hadn’t been raped, but …”  
When she stopped speaking, both she and Serena were crying. Serena got up and took Bernie in her arms, and this time Bernie didn’t struggle. Then Serena went to pick up the belt she’d left on the floor the night before and threw it into the trash: “Never again, darling, I promise – you should have told me.  
\- I couldn’t – I mean – I wanted you to use it – I thought I could take it – I thought somehow that it would help me get over the guilt – not only for what I did to you, but for Corporal Jones …because I didn’t help.   
\- Sssh – you couldn’t do anything – and I forgive you, really.”  
They went to the bathroom together, and Serena winced again when she saw the welts the belt had left on Bernie. In the car, Bernie turned towards Serena and said “Serena – I’ll apologise to Mr Masterson . I don’t quite know how, but …  
\- Thank you, dear – I’d appreciate that; and when we get home tonight …well, there’s still the small matter of you, a trauma consultant, getting arrested for drunk driving …  
\- How do you …Dominic ?”  
Serena nodded: “He was worried about you.”  
“Well, I hope he told you it was all a mistake and I wasn’t drunk…”  
Serena looked at her sternly and Bernie blushed: “Well, not that drunk anyway – I …  
\- We’ll make sure it never happens again…”  
Bernie groaned – good thing she spent most of her days in theatre, standing up …


End file.
